Look Closer
by Puella Ignei
Summary: It's like the slogan for MTV's diary: You think you know but you have no idea.
1. Her

Title: Look Closer  
Author: Burning Girl  
Fandom: Harry Potter  
Rating: PG-13   
Disclaimer: Characters are property of J.K. Rowling.

It is not something that is clearly visible to the naked eye.  For years she had walked around with this **thing** that was slowly killing her from the inside out, yet no one noticed.  Not one person seemed to realize that she was slowly dissipating from their very eyes.  

Of course it is not always clearly visible.  She was not like some of those Muggle teenagers that make the covers of magazines.  She was in control of her life.  Or so it seemed.

Every day she would wake up to watch the sunrise.  There was something about watching the night sky lighten into day that gave her a tiny glimmer of hope that someday things would be different for her.  That feeling felt deep inside her chest that would swell like as if someone was blowing a balloon and that gave her a moment of happiness and fantasy.

And then that feeling would disappear as quickly as it came and the mundane daily routine that most people called "life" would begin.  She would drown her feelings as she threw herself headfirst into her schoolwork.  Every assignment, every spell, every test had to be perfect.  Anything less than that would only confirm the truth; that she was a coward and a failure.  

But how could she be failure?  She was Hermione Granger!  She was the top of her class and every teacher's (perhaps except for Snape though) model student.  She was diligent, responsible, and even best friends with one of the most famous wizards in the world.  

But it was that pressure, that constant nagging at the back of her mind that pushed her to study harder, to overthrow what most people would call _perfection._  Because after awhile even perfect didn't seem good enough anymore for her.  It was not just about being the perfect model student anymore, but being one in total control of her own life and her own destiny.

How could she explain that it felt like the whole world was examining her through a magnifying glass, waiting for her to make a mistake, waiting for her to fall apart?  When that happened of course they would all turn to each other and say, "Now see, she's not as hoity toity as she thinks of herself to be now is she?"  

How could she explain that every off-hand comment, every bit of criticism only affirmed her belief that she was destined to fail?   

Harry and Ron didn't understand.  How could they?  After all, they were only boys.  What do boys of that age have concern over anyway?  They would probably only say that she was too sensitive and needed to learn how to lighten up a little and change her paranoid way of thinking.  Of course Harry might understand a little, but his battle was one of a more physical nature.  How could he understand that her battle was trickier than that?  How do you fight an invisible enemy that has taken over your very mind, your very being and soul?  

But maybe everybody feels this way.  After all, she was in the prime of her adolescent years.  It's that time when all those lovely hormones are swirling through the bodies of teenagers everywhere befuddling their logic and toying with their thoughts and emotions so that sometimes they do think that they are going completely mad.

Besides, everybody has problems.  Everybody feels like they are going crazy sometimes, don't they?

"Stop it.  You're being silly."  

Hermione wiped away the last bit of the tears staining her cheeks and took a deep breath.  She looked in the mirror and forced a happy smile on her face as she shoved her feelings of angst and hopelessness into the back of her mind once more.  After all, today was another day to face, another day to live through.   


	2. Him

Title: Look Closer  
Author: Burning Girl  
Fandom: Harry Potter  
Rating: PG-13   
Disclaimer: Characters are property of J.K. Rowling.

What does one expect from a child whose parents are former Death Eaters and whose family is one of the wealthiest wizarding families around?

Perhaps they expect snobbery?  A spoiled child with everything he ever desired.  A bully who looks down upon everyone else less fortunate and different from himself?  

It was no secret that Draco Malfoy was not exactly the most cordial boy in the world.  On the contrary, some might have described him as a "nasty little prat who is in dire need of a lashing to set his head straight."  But what some called snobbery was what Draco had been taught by his parents his entire life.  

He had been taught to hold his head up high and be proud for who he was and where he came from.  And wizards and witches everywhere had to remember that he was the Malfoy's only son and therefore greatly cherished and held in high regard, not to mention a tad bit spoiled and conceited.

From the moment he received his letter of acceptance to Hogwarts he made up his mind that everybody would know who he was.  He would make sure that from the moment he stepped foot in the school the other students would whisper his name in awe and fear of who he was.

But it's not easy for anyone to uphold a certain image, that constant reminder that there is a certain reputation to maintain.  It is a bit like acting.  There is a character to play in a certain scene and certain dialogue that has been rehearsed.  And there is absolutely no excuse for slip-ups.  

And he enjoys that feeling of glee whenever Professor Snape criticizes the other students and praises him above the rest.  That feeling that he is worth something, that he is whom his parents have molded him to be.  It is an ego trip.  _I am Draco Malfoy.  Learn to fear me.  He never lets his minions forget that.  They look at him in awe and consider him their leader.  There are no words to describe how he enjoys manipulating them and watching them run about to fulfill his every command and please their leader. _

And they watch him during mealtimes as he picks at his food at least once a day and states how 'horrid' the food is.

"This is food?  My father would have a word to say to Dumbledore about the rubbish they serve us!"

And then he turns up his nose in disgust as his fellow Slytherins sitting around him quickly and discreetly finish their meals as though they are insulting him by eating the 'rubbish' food in his presence.  

And he takes pleasure in that.  It takes his mind off the fact that his stomach is begging him for nourishment.  He can't let himself in now.  What would the others think of him?  The most important thing is to not let down his family's name.  "Above all things Draco, remember who you are, remember **who you're family is." Those key words his father told him before he boarded the Hogwarts Express for the first time always resonating inside his head.  **

What the others don't know is how he draws his curtains around his bed after everyone else has fallen asleep and curls up under the covers with his knees close to his chest as he quietly tries to devour the cakes and sweets his mother sends him and the food he steals from the table at every meal.

It started out so simply; an exercise in power.  But what has kept him at the top has left him at the bottom of his own self-control. 

_Never let your guard down.  Never let them see your weakness.  Never let them see who you really are._


End file.
